


what we lost to the smoke

by writerofbaddecisions



Series: block men ruining my life [10]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Achilles Come Down, Anxiety, Gen, Irrational Decision-Making, Of Younger Brothers and Longer Nights AU by Lillan_Nator, Underage Drinking but it's like one shot, Underage Smoking, no beta we die like my promise of making this 1k words, technically running away?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27521542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerofbaddecisions/pseuds/writerofbaddecisions
Summary: He can hear the smoking awareness talks in his head, “Smoking is bad for your lungs! Do not do it under peer pressure!” They never said what to do when the peer pressure wasn’t there , when it was you who decided to take a leap.Purpled’s freezing sitting on the cold roof, the cold was settling into his bones, as the night sky grows darker. He’s supposed to be inside partying with Tommy and Tubbo, and celebrating his spring break. But he can’t stop thinking about that stupid test, and how every word reminds him he’s failed everyone.
Relationships: Luke | Punz & Grayson | Purpled
Series: block men ruining my life [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2175921
Comments: 20
Kudos: 201





	1. were we ever family?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lillian_nator](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillian_nator/gifts).



> tw //smoking 
> 
> this is for Lillian_nator's ybln au , go check it out!

Smoke drifts around him in a haze, blurring his vision with a grey sheen. It was calming, a stark difference from the neon lights of the shop he just went to. The scent will stick to his hoodie for a while, but he can pass it off. 

The road below him flies by in a blur, while the cigarette shop below him plays indie songs on repeat. 

He can hear the smoking awareness talks in his head, “Smoking is bad for your lungs! Do not do it under peer pressure!” They never said what to do when the peer pressure wasn’t there , when it was you who decided to take a leap.

Purpled’s freezing sitting on the cold roof, the cold was settling into his bones, as the night sky grows darker. He’s supposed to be inside partying with Tommy and Tubbo, and celebrating his spring break. But he can’t stop thinking about that  _ stupid  _ test, and how every word reminds him he’s failed  _ everyone. _

Suddenly, he hears a  _ creak  _ coming from behind him and he turns around to see Punz coming up the staircase.  _ The last person he wants to see. _

-

For a while, Punz doesn’t speak, and Purpled can’t tell whether he’s thankful for it or Punz found out about  _ it _ . 

Purpled takes another drag of his cigerette as he coughs out “H-How did you fi-ind me.” 

Punz shoves his hands in his pockets, shivering from the cold: “it wasn’t hard when I figured it out.” He takes his hands out of his pockets, sliding them together a couple of times before asking. 

“Now, why did I find you sitting on the roof of a cigarette shop 2 miles from the party?”

_ Fuck. Right to the point, huh. _

“I- I was tired of the party.” It’s not a lie. It’s not the truth either.

Punz sees right through the half-lie and looks closer at Purpled through the haze he was sitting in. His eyes were dead, the mischievous glint the kid had was gone. The guppy was hiding something, he  _ knew.  _

“Did something happen?” Punz prods. Purpled flinches at the words and just continues to take another drag of the ever-shrinking cigarette.

Punz didn’t want to accidently cause something deadly, so he watches in horror as Purpled takes drag after drag like he was a smoking-champion. 

Eventually, Purpled stamps out the cigerette with the sleeve of his jacket, slightly burning himself. 

“Yeah.” 

He refuses to look at Punz, instead staring at the lights of the shop, and the radio blaring out Achilles Come Down.  _ Wasn’t tommy obsessed with that song?  _

Purpled starts talking “I had a test today in lit, and there was three prompts we could have gotten.” 

He doesn’t know if the wind is taking his words away, or Punz can hear him across the roof, but he continues, fidgeting with the torn cigarette box in his hands. 

“One was about love , the other about choice , and the third was about -” He coughs dryly into his hand as the chain-smoking comes back to bite him in the back. Punz takes a couple steps closer to Purpled, previous worries nearly gone as Purpled coughs even more violently into his sleeve. 

Purpled blinks out the tears in his eyes as he keeps going, if he stops now he’s never going to get it out, isn’t that what he wanted?  “The last one was about family, a-and that was the one me, tubbo, and tommy all got.” 

_ Oh, so that’s what the guppy’s sad about.  _ Punz thinks. 

Purpled looks down at the street below, listening to the slight chatter of the shops closing up for the night, the lights clicking off and the bangs of doors shutting close. 

Even at night, the streets are more lively then his house during the day.

“I was supposed to write about a happy memory with my family.” Purpled mumbles, the words sting on his tongue. 

_ It’s not like he doesn’t remember when his family had interactions daily, he has one picture of a smiling family but he can barely point out who’s who.  _

“I-i-i couldn’t  _ fucking  _ remember anything! AND I DON’T KNOW  _ WHY _ !” Purpled slams his fist into the stone next to him in a rush of anger, immediately regretting it as a stabbing pain shot up his arm.

He grasps his bruised knuckles, as he doubles over trying to ease the throbbing pain. The tears he had tried so hard to repress starts leaking out of his eyes on their own accord.  _ Isn’t telling someone supposed to help, not hurt. _

Punz rushes over to Purpled in order to consol the crying kid , who subconsciously flinches away from Punz. Punz knows Purpled is probably not in the right-mindset but it still stings a bit when Purpled jumps away from him. 

Purpled shrinks into himself, bringing his knees up to his chest. He takes his hands and presses them against his eyes in a desperate attempt to just  _ STOP CRYING  _ _ YOU IDIOT _ _. _

His voice hitches and wavers as he rambles on again , “a-a-a-and at the end i turned in an empty paper. I wrote “i don’t have any”.” 

Suddenly, he’s sitting in the classroom staring at an empty  _ paper with only his name written on it, the teacher is looking at the paper with confusion, but writes something on it and puts it aside. When class ends, the teacher hands the paper back to him with the words “Do you have any happy memories with the group you hang out with? Write that instead.” _

“.....guppy….” Punz whispered. 

**_Fuck_ ** _ did he say that out loud? nonoonononononoNONONONONONONONONONO _

-

Suddenly the cold that had kept him sitting on the roof, boosts him up as panic replaces the pain in his arm. 

Purpled rushes by a stunned Punz who’s still trying to figure out the puzzle Purpled had laid out. He runs down the stairs , adrenaline racing through his veins, as the mile tests in school came in handy. He was running  _ he had to get away, he had to get away, Punz was disappointed, hurt and he’s-he’s going to spread it and he had to go gogogogogogogogo. _

He races down streets upon streets , bumping into people who shot him looks of worries, as tears streamed down his face in a fury. 

-

“Hello! You’ve reached Purpled’s cellphone. If it’s Tommy , just text me and i’ll probably answer , and same goes for Tubbo. If your name is Punz-”  _ beep  _

“Purpled. Where are you, I-i-i promise im not angry. Please, where are you?”


	2. he was my brother, and brothers were supposed to help not harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Purpled is still technically running through the streets at the moment , but in between me writing part one and writing part two, the ybln au got a lot of updates so I was going to add them. This was supposed to be a flashback to explain everything like 500 words or so, and then I checked the word count and it was 1347 words. so it's a chapter now, part two - I guess three now is coming out either today or tomorrow depending on how fast I can write.

The cafeteria is so fucking loud, the noise is overwhelming him and he resists the urge to clap his hands over his ears in attempt to just make it STOP. But he sits down at the table, with the lunch Punz got him in the morning anyways. He sits there, drumming his fingers against the table trying to focus on the conversations at hand

To his left, Punz and Dream are discussing colleges and careers. Naming off computer science schools and statistics, ranging from the local community college to MIT.

To his right, Tommy and Tubbo are wrapped up in a conversation about bees, occasionally asking Purpled his opinions on topics ranging from flowers, and how much could it hurt if they asked multiple bees to sting them at once.

It takes his mind off the things, like the test sitting crumbled in his backpack. _“Do you have any happy memories with the group you hang out with? Write that instead.”_

_Does he call them family? Does he? The last time a teacher told him what a family was, he realized he didn't have a family. It's not that he doesn't have happy memories, but with family? no, he has them with friends, not family, family are the people he sees sometimes like ghosts haunting the house. not Tommy and Tubbo who made him a cult after winning Kahoot magically, not Punz who buys him lunch every day._

"-- This one's a bit more well-known but way further out of state. I'm thinking of- of going to this one." Punz states in between snacking on the hot Cheetos in his hands, while pointing at a map Dream had brought up on his computer.

"The trip seems a bit far, and pretty expensive. You planning on not coming back for the breaks?"

Dream questions, stealing a chip from George's tray, who didn't notice.

"Hm- Yeah I guess." Punz nonchalantly states.

_Fuck, Nevermind. Guess Purpled really did have a family._

_A family that keeps leaving him._

**_Fucking Idiot. Family really Is a curse to you, huh. Just can't get anyone to stay with you- support you, they all leave in the end- no use in getting close to anyone._ **

His feet are working on auto-drive, as he mutters an excuse to go use the bathroom. Everyone's too wrapped up in their own conversations, to notice him. -You thought you were wanted? Pathetic.- He runs out of the cafeteria, booking it towards the bathrooms, bumping into teachers, who he hurriedly says sorry to. He runs into a stall, locking the door behind him, the rush of adrenaline still coursing through his veins.

He gulps down the lump in his throat, running his hands through his hair, trying to soothe himself.

_Punz didn't really mean that right??? He would never leave him behind, right ?!?!?!?!_

  
  


He sits in the stall until the bell for the end of lunch rings, then he walks back to the table, making another flimsy excuse for his absence, Punz seems unbothered by the way Purpled flinches when Punz turns around to remind him about the party that night.

And again, he's left behind.

_Maybe he can make use of this._

\- 

That night, he walks into the party house, to loud blaring music, the lyrics ringing his ears as he makes his way through the house. The lights blast rainbow colors, a dizzying array of colors flash before his eyes. 

Just barely he makes out the lyrics of the song on loop.

**So just stop the faking .Not for here for nameless faces. Pointless talkin', conversations**

_Fitting._

He makes his way through to the upstairs area, where Punz explicitly told him was off-limit to Juniors, but that was a perk of his height. He looked older.

He notices a small piece of paper on the ground, detailing the location of a cigarette shop. He picks it up and pockets it, he might need that later.

A drunk student wearing a pink shirt, carrying a large plate of shots, shoves one into Purpled's hands. Purpled gulps it down, not thinking about what the fuck is inside it, and immediately regretting it as he gagged on the smell. He pushes past the student trying to give him more, and rushes to the bathroom. Grabbing another box of something, trying to act natural. 

_Second time today, purpled, you have to stop doing this._

He locks the door behind him, and slides down the door, sitting down onto the floor. He runs his hands through his hair, gripping the roots, as he rocks back and forth, wondering when he signed up to go on this emotional rollercoaster , and if he could get off.

The alchoal isn't that bad, and after he listens to the clock turn it's hand 120 degrees. Purpled grips the sink and slowly stands up. He reaches into his pocket to pull out the piece of paper, and reads it, attempting to dichper the literal chicken scrawl.

"Velvet's Shop.

4523 SMP Way. 

\--Has the best cigarettes!--"

_Just what he needed to do, disappoint everyone around him. Perfect._

He goes to the window, and quickly loosens and removes the little latch. Opening up the window, he jumps onto the cool grass, only seeing two people talking in a Audi car. Punz had gone to pick up everyone else, and Purpled knew he'd be worried when Purpled wasn't anywhere at the party.

~~\--He was going to leave you anyways, why bother?--~~

He makes his way down the street, crossing onto the main road of shops, looking around for the one he needs. He pats down his pockets remembering the money in his pocket, and the stolen, torn box of - what he can now say are cigarettes sitting in his pant pocket. A little bit down the road, he spots the shop he's looking for. Jogging down the road, as the lights become bright neon, flashing in his eyes, he finally stops in front of the shop. A song is playing on repeat, the same one from the party.

**"So, you say you're moving out of state**

**Soon as you graduate... interesting (yeah)**

**Anyway, you're leaving**

**Need a hug? Okay then"**

_Even the music he hears haunts him._

Entering the shop with a jingle, he mutters a greeting to the shocked cashier, who looks up from scrolling on his phone. He grabs a purple lighter from the stand on the desk, and brings it up to the cashier to ring up, who looks dead-tired and alive all at the same time. The cashier rings it up, and Purpled hands a 5-dollar bill over. The cashier hands over the receipt and change, to which Purpled mutters a thanks.

As he leaves the store, he can hear the cashier call from behind "Wait- aren't you Punz's little brother or something?"

He doesn't respond, only runs again.

_Brother's don't leave brothers without even a glance back._

Racing across the street, to match with the clouds flying overhead, he climbs up the fire escape to a roof, overlooking the city. _He's free isn't he? He's finally free._

The cigarette still lights up fine, and the smoke is vaguely soothing but overwhelming at the same time.

Across the street the radio's playing a new song

**Achilles**

**Achilles**

**Achilles come down, won't you**

**Get up off**

**Get up off the roof?**

**You're scaring us**

**And all of us**

**Some of us love you**

**Achilles, it's not much but there's proof**

  
  


\- 

Messages - Velvet 

**Velvet** : Punz ur little brother just fucking came into my shop

**Punz** : So that's where he went?? He wasn't at the party

**Velvet** : Yeah I guess he's on the roof across the street

**Punz** : Thank you

**Velvet** : ofc

\- 

_*You have 10 missed calls from BIG BROTHER PUNZ*_

_*You have 9 voicemails from BIG BROTHER PUNZ*_

_*beep*_ He-Hey Purpled, I'm so so sorry I didn't notice before and I was-wasn't ever actually considering that college, and I shoul-should have fucking noticed. Ple-Please answer we're getting worried. _*beep*_

_*beep*_ Guppy- Purpled, Velvet just texted me, an-and are you okay? _*beep*_

_7 voicemails from BIG BROTHER PUNZ have been deleted_


	3. no one's going to stick around forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for Lillian who screamed at me to update so here it is, the final chapter in this installment

He can see his breath in front of him, as he books it towards a set of towering gates labeled “FOOTBALL FIELD.” It’s opened, like it always was, thank god. 

He ignores the cafeteria in the corner of his eyes. 

His head is spinning a bit as he enters the football field, climbing onto the metal risers, listening to the creaks and echo’s as he climbs up to the highest one. Normally the sounds wouldn’t be that bad, but tonight they echo after him like the tuba’s in the marching band.  _ What’s his goal? He doesn’t know he just has to  _ **_gogogogogo._ **

The phone in his pocket vibrates violently as Punz attempts to call him, over and over.  He didn’t need to go through the trouble, really.

He reaches the top riser, plopping down on the cold metal. The frigid air comes back into his veins as the panic and adrenaline runs out. Purpled reaches into his pocket to grab out the offending device, ignoring the urge to fling it as far as he can across the field. Across his screen in big letters, “BIG BROTHER PUNZ'' taunts him endlessly.  Is he really your brother when he would leave you without a glance back. 

Sliding a finger across the screen, he barely gets to catch his breath before he hears a “PURPLED” come blaring out from the device in his hands, nearly making him drop it in shock. 

_ He’s fucked up, huh.  _

-

_ He’s fucked up badly, huh. _

It repeats over and over in his head, as he swerves and drives through the city trying to remember if the school was  _ this  _ way or the complete opposite direction. He knows Purpled thinks of the campus, as a safe space. The car can somehow understand his panic when he remembered that a 3-mile run and chain-smoking do not go hand-in-hand. 

Punz is extremely thankful that Siri has speech commands as he drives the car through the city while also calling Purpled. 

The kid never responds and every time he sees the “little guppy (purpled)” pop up on his screen, the automated messaging repeating over and over again  _ “Hello! You’ve reached Purpled’s phone. If it’s Tommy, just text me and I'll probably answer, and same goes for Tubbo. If your name is Punz, I’ll get to calling you eventually, and yes I’ve probably eaten.”,  _ he hopelessly holds back the tears developing in his eyes. 

He’s finally gotten onto the road leading up to the school when the call finally goes through and without thinking he screams “PURPLED” into the microphone.  _ The kids alive oh my god.  _

-

Purpled hesitantly mutters “punz…” in response, as he curls into himself on the risers, trying to conserve the little warmth he has wearing a  _ really fucking itchy _ hoodie in 50-degree weather.  _ Jesus the river wasn’t even this bad.  _

Punz attempts to steady his shaky voice as he asks “Purpled, are you okay? Where are you?” 

_ Two for two on the loaded questions, Punz.  _

Punz’s voice grates his soul, his fingers itching to curl over the device and fling it across the field. 

A little voice in his head tells him  _ doitdoitdoitdoit,  _ but he bites his tongue trying to ignore the cold air dropping 10 degrees in two minutes, the way the overhead lights shined a bit too bright in his eyes, and how Punz’s voice echoed across the field surrounding him on all sides. 

“I’m- I’m fine , I-i-i’m sitting in the - in the football field.” Purpled responds, hating the way his voice shook and stuttered.  _ Can’t you do anything right? _

_ This is why he’s leaving you. _

Punz doesn’t respond for a while, but Purpled can hear the slam of a car door in the parking lot, ringing across the field, once through the air, and once through his phone. Subconsciously, he scoots across the riser attempting to avoid the ever-impending conversation about his panic run and preparing to leave the field from the other side. 

  
  


Purpled squints, trying to focus his eyes on the figure entering the gates, and not on the way his heart pounded in his chest. Their feet crunched on the fake grass as they called out, “Purpled?” hesitantly. It was Punz.

_ Fuck. _

-

Purpled is sitting on the highest riser, when Punz enters the field. The kid looks like a deer caught in headlights as Punz quietly attempts to tiptoe across the field. Purpled uncurls himself, in order to slowly scoot across risers. Little raindrops drip onto his hair as they play a game of cat and mouse across the risers. 

Punz reaches the last riser and stands in the aisle, not wanting to go closer to the shivering kid for fear of losing him again.  _ He should have fucking noticed, he should’ve asked, ANYTHING.  _

Purpled notices the shared fear and tension in the air, neither of them wanting the other to leave, as the rain starts coming down in sheets not drops.  _ Jesus, he forgot about the forecast. _

Punz breaks the silence again, “Purp- I wasn-’t ever going to leave you.” 

“Liar” Purpled responds without a beat to miss, his voice is hoarse and cracking, and he doesn’t look at Punz, he can’t. 

Punz flinches at the word, swallowing down the growing-lump in his throat, he speaks again. 

“I know that you don’t believe me-” 

“I do want to believe you, Punz, I do.” Purpled replies back, he runs his finger along a gathering puddle next to him, watching the water part away like him and Punz.

“It’s just- how can I when you leave me- without so much as a glance back? Ho-ww can I believe you?” 

Tears come seeping out of his eyes again, leaking onto his clothing, and mixing in with the rain pouring around them. The cold air finally starts settling in, as shivers run through his body, the regret comes pouring in.

Punz takes a step closer to Purpled, caution slowly being thrown into the rain, worry replacing it instead. 

“Purpled- I wouldn’t - I wouldn’t leave you behind like that. The only thing that the school has going for it, is its name. Purpled- I would never, never trade you away for a fucking name.” 

Finally, Purpled works up the courage to look at Punz, and whispers just barely loud enough for him to hear, 

“Really?” He looks as if he can’t believe the words he’s hearing. 

Punz sits down next to Purpled, ignoring the rain seeping into his clothing at a fast rate.

“Yes! Of Course” 

Purpled leans his head cautiously against Punz’s shoulder, and Punz wraps his arms around the soaking boy. His tears seep into his hoodie, but he doesn’t care at the moment, the only thing he’s focused on is the boy in his arms as the rain comes down around them. 

_ They’ll be okay. They’ll be okay.  _


End file.
